He concentrates here on his sixteenth year, a year of idleness, lust, and adolescent mischief. The memory of stealing some pears prompts a deep probing of the motives and aims of sinful acts. “I became to myself a wasteland.”
CHAPTER I
1. I wish now to review in memory my past wickedness and the carnal corruptions of my soul—not because I still love them, but that I may love you, O my God. For love of your love I do this, recalling in the bitterness of self-examination my wicked ways, that you may grow sweet to me, you sweetness without deception! You sweetness happy and assured! Thus you may gather me up out of those fragments in which I was torn to pieces, while I turned away from you, O Unity, and lost myself among “the many.” For as I became a youth, I longed to be satisfied with worldly things, and I dared to grow wild in a succession of various and shadowy loves. My form wasted away, and I became corrupt in your eyes, yet I was still pleasing to my own eyes—and eager to please the eyes of men and women.
CHAPTER IV
9. Theft is punished by your law, O Lord, and by the law written in men and women’s hearts, which not even ingrained wickedness can erase. . . . Yet I had a desire to commit robbery, and did so, compelled to it by neither hunger nor poverty, but through a contempt for well doing and a strong impulse to iniquity. For I pilfered something that I already had in sufficient measure, and of much better quality. I did not desire to enjoy what I stole, but only the theft and the sin itself. There was a pear tree close to our own vineyard, heavily laden with fruit, which was not tempting either for its color or for its flavor. Late one night—having prolonged our games in the streets until then, as our bad habit was—a group of young scoundrels, and I among them, went to shake and rob this tree. We carried off a huge load of pears, not to eat ourselves, but to dump out to the hogs, after barely tasting some of them ourselves. Doing this pleased us all the more because it was forbidden. Such was my heart, O God, such was my heart—which you did pity even in that bottomless pit. Behold, now let my heart confess to you what it was seeking there, when I was being gratuitously wanton, having no inducement to evil but the evil itself. It was foul, and I loved it. I loved my own undoing. I loved my error—not that for which I erred but the error itself. A depraved soul, falling away from security in you to destruction in itself, seeking nothing from the shameful deed but shame itself."
Wow. I think Augustine has summed up one of the major reasons we so quickly and easily fall into sin. It is "I loved my own undoing. I loved my error - not that for which I erred but the error itself". I think that is a great example of why sin is so appealing. It is very enjoyable; there are a lot of things that are bad and hurtful to humanity that make a person feel very, very good. When one is absorbed in his or herself, one seeks only that which avoids pain and brings on pleasure, to use the hedonist viewpoint. The hedonist does that which brings pleasure for the sake of having pleasure, regardless of the moral outcome.
I like Augustine's awareness of what he did, and how far he has come. I love his use of the word "unity" in relationship to God, and finding himself among "the many", stuck in the sin of his life. His story is one of power and victory indeed, that God could redeem such a "depraved soul, falling away from security in you to destruction in itself". This is not uncommon, this is the story of Jesus Christ working in the hearts of humanity. Praise to the great redeemer, who redeems humanity from the pits of destruction.
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